If this is love then why do i feel so sad?

History’s repeating itself as i lose myself into loving you more than me. 

A mistake I’ve wanted to redeem; How do i crawl from the dark as the light is dimmed?

Forgive me as i try to find the right words to say

This love is not mine to keep so come what may.

I’m hopeful of what I would find one day. 

Maybe I’d stumble across a code to unlock this puzzled mind before i tie a knot on a rope. 

Letting Go

I used to be so afraid of letting things go when I was younger. I’d bottle up my feelings and I’d always want to fix things so they could stay where I’d like them to be. 

But nothing remains. Except for scars. 

Now I feel like I should let go of the things I treasure most to avoid feeling hurt one day. 

Six Hours


“Six hours before we say goodbye again,

You’re still asleep next to me, as always,

I can fall asleep anytime I want while you stare into the darkest nights,

Your warm smooth skin is what I crave,

When I toss and turn on the bed and you’re not around

As I close my eyes, I pretend that you’re caressing down my thighs.


I can’t help what you did to me,

Opened my eyes wide so I can see,

It scares me to death knowing that I’d leave you behind with the memories.


We’ll get there eventually,

They do not know what we feel to rethink this through carefully,

You’ve taken half of my heart,

And in time they will finally understand and see what this love was made to me,

What this love means to me.

— Suzie Mz x


Puzzled Whispers

It’s finally time, 

Everything comes tumbling down, 

Don’t know why I picked up the signs that you prefer her to be in your underarms. 


I’ll be fine, 

Soulmates come and go for some reasons, 

Thought you were the one but who am I kidding?

Why’d I feel so lonely when we’re talking…?


The whispers that I hear, I just really want you near,

How could you be so fine? I’ve got you on my mind, baby. 

To think that you’d want to be mine…

I look around – everything turns to ashes and wine. 


Lets rewind, 

Laying all our puzzles on the table,

With you I lose my strength and all my able,

You’re my favourite piece amongst the people.


I don’t get it,

If love’s supposed to break us free why’d I feel our souls crumble in between?

Intertwining skin and bones deep within me.


The whispers that I hear, I just really want you near,

How could you be so fine? I’ve got you on my mind, baby. 

To think that you’d want me too…

I look around – everything is grey and blue without you.

What is love?

After so many failed relationships and crushes, I honestly do not know what love really is.

I’ve been in love a couple of times before but they always ended up with me crying my days and nights out, losing so much of weight because I was too sad and the worst is that I always end up feeling more lonely than before. 

I recently got into a relationship with a younger boy/man and I love every second of it. Although he is in Amsterdam and I’m in Kuala Lumpur – the distance doesn’t feel as bad as my previous relationship.

People in my life always leave. Or they’d hurt me brutally. Emotionally, physically and sexually. They exhausted me.

So my concern is – when will this crumble and fall? Because good things never happen to me.


New Obsession: Ady Suleiman

For everyone that knows me, they know I love to scout for musicians to obsess about on YouTube. It’s what I love to do and to be honest, it’s what I do best. I’d watch through hundreds of videos with very little views instead coz sometimes these underrated musicians are superbly good, way better than the ones with millions of views, it’s just they lack exposure.

And one person that I just came across is… Ady Suleiman.


Source: Ady Suleiman’s Facebook

Okay, maybe he’s not like a bedroom singer coz he’s pretty big in the UK already, recently performed at Glastonbury 2016.

But this man is awesome. His lyrics, his voice, his music… like man! Come here already! #musicgasm

Here’s one of my favourite songs called Need Somebody To Love.

Favourite lines include:

  • And you’re the one I’m looking for, living for/You’re the one I’m thinking of, You’re the one that I will love/I wonder if our paths have crossed in this world/I wonder where you are/I wonder if you’ve heard this verse/I wonder what your body looks like/Will you look sublime, words I can’t describe?
  • I don’t even know when you are or when you’re coming through/All I know is I love you and proof of that, this song is written/If you’re out there girl, I really hope you’re listening/I’m still wishing for the day I find you girl/You’re here to stay, I’ll look back at this verse and say “Thank fuck, finally”.

It kinda feels like he wrote this song for me. I mean, not in the way that it’s dedicated for me. It feels as though he took all my thoughts and placed them into a beautiful song.

Tbh, I’ve just been looking for “the one” at the wrong place and at the wrong time. My heart tells me that he is going to have a big passion in music, food and conspiracy theories just like me. Patience, Suzie.


Source: data.whichdn.com

Sofar Sounds Kuala Lumpur (Vol 2)


Last night I took my girlfriend to the second Sofar Sounds Kuala Lumpur… And it was amazeballz! I heard of Sofar KL during one of my (failed) Tinder dates with D. He was in KL after traveling for months and when I asked about his plans for the weekend, he said Sofar Sounds. Like wtf. I mean, how the hell did a guy from Manchester know about this gig?!?

I have been a subscriber of Sofar for so many years already so obvs I couldn’t wait to be a part of the second one. Yeah, you kinda need to sign up and they will let you know if you get selected. Besides that, you can only bring +1. Of course that wasn’t a huge problem for me since #foreveralone. But I’m so glad that I took my bestie with me.


Photo taken in Langkawi, 2015

I was a little reluctant about the gig though. Being a performer myself (ex-performer that is), I was afraid it would turn out exactly like other open mics/gigs. The music scene in Kuala Lumpur isn’t huge. You see the same musicians performing at various locations again and again. If you make good connections with organizers, you get more offers to perform. It’s basically a biased world out here. Since i’m an introvert freak who loves to sing but have two personalities, one onstage and another off, it’s hard to get the support. Small talks and compliments give me anxiety. It’s worse that I am an AB blood type as we rarely feel like we’re good enough for the world. I’m going off topic, aren’t I?

Anyway, what I enjoyed most yesterday was that I witnessed really cool, down-to-earth, talented musicians who totally surprised me with their pure and raw music. My favourite singer of the night would have to be Aalex. Her introduction speech was one of the best ones I’ve heard in my life. “Hi. I’m Alex and i am a girl.” 😂  But she made me tear when she sang her “original song that she wrote herself” called Dwi.

After her, we had Marques with his very soulful jazz/R&B on stage. *swoon* and Sid Murshid with his simple songs. (He created a song in Malay about how much he’s in love with himself coz he’s handsome. His own words, not mine.)

Overall, the night was kinda like a reunion for me since I met both Manisha and Pris there after not seeing them in ages! Small talks ain’t really for me but they made it tad bit easier. Not to forget, I finally met Thiago over there.

So if anyone’s interested to be a part of this global music community, do sign up for the next one at https://www.sofarsounds.com/kuala-lumpur. I really hope the third one will be good as well. Harap-harap takde lah muka samaaaaaaaaaaaaa je. I need to be surrounded by people who appreciate music no matter what their genres are. Don’t be biased. Love is love is love.


Earlier this year, I met a man who changed the way I view life. I don’t know how he did it, but he just did. Because of that, I am not ready to settle for anyone who does not inspire me.
I’m sorry, C.

“Have you tried to chase the waves and feel the breeze feel in your face?

Have you tried to freeze the time, just to melt in your thoughts?

You’re not part of the plan.

Have you ever had your heart broken into million little pieces?

Have you ever been so bitter, nothing so sweet can ever cure this pain so deep?

You’re not part of the plan.

So don’t stop me now or I’d be lost forever…

My heart has no vacancy,

My heart is not here with me,

Your heart, your eyes, your soul, your mind need something better than me,

I could fill your fantasies, deepest desires and dreams,

How do I make you see that you shouldn’t love me?

Do you ever crave for wild adventures but too scared to fall into the dirt?

Have you ever met the one you’d marry just to know that he can’t be yours to keep?

I will strip for you naked, touching your body with my warm brown skin, whisper in your ear “you’re not part of the plan…”

Baby, you’re not part of my plans.

So don’t stop me now or I’d be lost forever…

My heart has no vacancy,

My heart is not here with me,

Your heart, your eyes, your soul, your mind need something better than me,

I could fill your fantasies, deepest desires and dreams,

How do I make you see that you shouldn’t love me?

Run away from the fire burning in my eyes,

All my life, I’ve been drowning in the sea of lies.

I’m broken, shattered, disconnected.

Stop falling, falling for me.